Last week, frozen in my car unable to move, I felt the slow suffocation and paralysis of old. I gripped the steering wheel, focused on my breathing and waited for it to pass. The thing is I was never an anxious child…. not that I can recall.It is only in the past few years that the emotional and mental ball seizes me momentarily. To be honest I know people who suffer anxiety attacks a lot more… I really shouldn’t complain… I never do… They’ve been my dirty secret…. the crack in my veneer.
Over a year ago my children and I left our old life and embraced freedom and happiness. I can honestly say we have never been so happy. The girls are settled, secure and so content, it makes me smile everyday. And me…. I am the same, yet still for some reason now and then an attack consumes me just for a few minutes and thankfully always when I am alone. Other things like tiredness that I thought would magically dissipate have also hung around. Until recently I spoke to someone who shed much light.
We can take ourselves out of a situation, we can change our lives for happiness but unless you can move forward without the past you are always moving backwards. I spent the last year asking questions; about me and others, how things could have been different, what I could have done differently. The answer is it honestly doesn’t matter. It is done, over with and I refuse to waste any more time or energy worrying and carrying around bad memories of misgivings. I know it takes time to heal but I finally feel that personally I am on the right path.
My guru suggested that I spend so much time worrying about everything and everyone else, perhaps I should give myslef some time each day. Immediately I thought about everything that needed to be done, how short the day is and who would mind the kids. Besides what would I do, sit and drink coffee and inevitably my mind would rake over the past or join a gym or a class… but that’s not it. Mothers run from work to home, from home to the gym, to a slimming class or a coffee with other mums to reiterate all the crap they’ve had to deal with that week…. which is therapeutic but it’s not time for yourself.
Now I am on a mission…. to find me again and to find peace once more… ten minutes out of a day is nothing… ten minutes where you are not running, cleaning, organising or thinking…Lie on your bed, listen to some soft music or nothing at all and don’t think…. imagine no lists of necessary groceries, calendar dates, things that need to be done, no screaming child or thundering boss…. Ten minutes to empty your mind and let your body heal.
As for the past, deal with it; stamp it and pop in the post with no return to sender. Life is too short, we all just need to learn to breathe once more. x