I followed the debate generated by the recent Time piece on the childfree life with interest. Between population, taxes, childcare, sleep or lack of… all got dragged into the argument, yet somewhere along the line, it seems the individual’s right to choice was lost.
My daughters are perhaps the best decisions I ever made and I am grateful for them every day. However I have always wanted children and dreamed of being a mommy since I held my first dolly. I know I am lucky, it does not happen for all people. And some people just do not want it. Parenthood is tough, rewarding but tough; between feeding, nappy changing, refereeing, cleaning, taxi driving and worrying about them 24/7 for the rest of your life. Parenthood is a commitment that some people do not want. Is this selfishness? An attempt at retaining freedom and career…? Or is it simply that equality has finally given us the power and right to make our own decisions? Few think of parenthood as selfish. Since time began it has been seen as the natural progression. In fact the recent consternation seems to have erupted from the fact that the American birth rate is at an all-time low. After all if we have no new generation, then what are we working towards? How about the 7.103 billion people who already inhabit the earth? Some Americans will argue that a higher birth rate is necessary to protect heritage and lineage. Kind of ironic if you consider how America was built on immigrants from all over the world.
I have honestly lost count of the times I have heard people say “you need a license for a dog but nothing for a child.” Stories abound of children being left in nappies for days, parents neglecting and not feeding children… selfish parents caught up in their own needs. There are already so many abused and neglected children in the world. Are we really going to judge women into having children they do not want? Since the dawn of day men have “sown their wild seeds” or “enjoyed the celibate life.” Are they selfish for choosing the childfree life? Surely they should be tarnished with the same brush. Why can we not simply welcome the fact that finally women can think and act for themselves. Of course many will argue that women are born with a maternal desire, a biological clock to produce. Some have attempted to argue that parenthood is an essential part of being a woman. Since when did a childfree woman’s breasts fall off, voice grow deep or female disposition turn to a gruff males? A person born with the ability to paint need not become an artist; similarly a person with a gentle disposition does not need or have to become a nurse. So just because a woman is born with a womb, it does not mean she must follow the parent path. When will society realize that everyone is different: gay, straight, Catholic, Jew, parent, non-parent…?
Sometimes I dream of lying on a golden beach in quietness and solitude (a bit like the cover picture of Time magazine.) Yet I know I would worry about and miss my children too much. I am selfish; I seek their hugs and kisses, relish their hand drawn pictures and hope that in old age they will visit and keep an eye on me as I do my parents. I look forward to all the firsts still to come, possible weddings and grandchildren. However I exist at times on half an hour sleep, constantly trip over toys and listen to the constant squabbling on long car journeys. My childfree friends enjoy lie-ins, late nights and exotic holidays; yet I am not jealous of them and they are not jealous of me. As Ellen Walker argues, “This kind of life may sound selfish, but if we believe that parenting is a choice, so is deciding to not parent.” My children have three aunts, who at present remain childfree and between them excel at work, music, diving, socializing and yes… shopping. These women are the most unselfish people I know and provide love, guidance and nurture to their nieces and me. These women are the first people there in a crisis and the last to leave. Those who make the brave decision not to have children and who face the continuous interrogation by a society obsessed with reproducing are no different. They still love and still care; they just do not have children. Just because a person does not have children, it makes them no less of a woman or human being.
To say that a decision not to have children is selfish is to be selfish and to want everyone to want the same and feel the same as you. The truth is nobody does; we are all too different, with different experiences, situations and desires. To expect a person to conform just because it would be easier; we can all be filed together under the same heading of mother is ridiculous and makes for a very boring world. For some a child would be to have it all; for others a child would be a bonus and for yet others having a child is just not a desire. One man’s food is another man’s poison. So who is selfish? Who has the right to judge those brave enough to follow their own hearts? As Oscar Wilde so eloquently put it,
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”
Sites that may be of interest:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2148636,00.html
http://www.details.com/culture-trends/critical-eye/201104/no-baby-boom-non-breeders
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/complete-without-kids/201108/peek-childfree-living
From the mouth's of babes 